CATS WHO HAVE OWNED US

Ralph Sleeping Ralph Awake

• "Cats regard people as warmblooded furniture." --Jacquelyn Mitchard
• "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch
• "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." --Sir Winston Churchill
• "Women and cats do as they damned well please, and men and dogs had best learn to live with it." --Alan Holbrook
• "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick
• "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown
• "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous
• "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez
• "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --Jeff Valdez
• "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley
• "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly
• "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments,
  but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch
• "People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick
• "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous
• "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine
• "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer
• "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul
• "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous
• "The cat does not offer services. The cat offers itself. Of course he wants care and shelter.
  You don't buy love for nothing. Like all pure creatures, cats are practical." --William Seward Burroughs
• "Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures,
  and cats like authors for the same reasons." --Robertson Davies
• "Way down deep, we're all motivated by the same urges. Cats have the courage to live by them." --Jim Davis
• "Poets generally love cats -- because poets have no delusions about their own superiority." --Marion Garretty
• "If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by now." --Larry Wright
• "If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet,
  what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" --Steven Wright

Mystic originally auditioned for the part of Lorelai on WB's Gilmore Girls, but she couldn't quite master the dialog. So she went into business for herself as a web designer.

Web design is hard work!	How did I get it sideways?

Diary of a Cat DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan... DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

Teenagers and Cats For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Washing Your Cat Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed; that somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well, contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach). Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a variety of odors... from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember... your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question. So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits. Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you .... you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments. 1. First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welder's gloves. 2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds. 3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area beforehand. No..... Blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested. 4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down in the tub. 5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire... the cat barely notices you anyway. 6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles, and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet. 7. As best you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed. 8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process. 9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you. 10. Next, the cat must be dried. No..... This is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat. Reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles. 11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him. 12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in the towel before opening the tub enclosure. Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible. And do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel. 13. In about 2 hours it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting his revenge.